page everyone needs a laugh, it's good for ya
may offend some,
restricted, over 18 only
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course:
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to
a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across
the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only
Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What
are these guys in the big suits doing?"
of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the
moon. When his son relayed this
the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible
to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw
one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said,"Why
and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone
were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate
what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and
laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby
Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They
too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the
elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned.
he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
OUT FOR THESE ASS HOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
Old Indian Woman
An old widowed Indian woman was very
lonely, so she decided that she needed a pet to keep her company.
So off to town she went to find a pet
Upon entering the pet store she began her
search for the right companion.
Nothing seemed to catch her interest ...
except this one-UgLy-frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he
looked up and winked at her!
The frog whispered in Indian, "I'm
Buy me and you won't be sorry."
The Indian woman figured, what the heck,
she hadn't found anything else.
So, she bought the frog and sat him next
to her in her old pickup as she drove away.
Down the road the frog whispered to her
again in Indian, "Kiss me! You won't be sorry."
So, the old lady looked behind her in the
mirror and figured what the heck and kissed the frog. I
mmediately the frog turned into a tall,
handsome, buff, young warrior.
Then he kissed her back . . . and
do you know what the old lady TURNED INTO?
The FIRST MOTEL she could find!
How to impress an Indian Woman....
Call her by her Indian name,
Hold her in the moonlight,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her at a 49,
Shop with her,
Give her many Pendleton
No Indian Time,
Keep a job through Pow-Wow Season,
Carry her chair at Pow-Wows,
Give her beautiful Indian jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Don't eat too much fry bread,
Give her many horses,
Keep the run down cars out of the yard,
Bead for her,
Play beautiful flute music for her,
Set up camp for her,
Hunt for her,
Give her lots of groceries,
Sing beautiful Indian Songs to her.
Have her balance the check book
and never asked how much is left !
Rub her feet, then ankles, knees and...
HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN MAN
Show up naked with fry bread !!!!
INDIAN REZ HOROSCOPES:
CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19:
You are always saving junk and dragging things around the yard. You
are basically a pack rat. There has never been a tidy Capricorn on your
Indian Reserve. You should quit stealing other people's garbage.
AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18:
You haven't the foggiest idea who you are and you've stayed stupid
for too long. You are a natural liar. On the other hand, you are
compelled to the dinner table where, you make loud sucking noises, as
you devour sixteen pork neckbones. Everyone thinks you Indian name
should be 'Vacuum Neck'.
PISCES Feb 19-Mar 20:
You have no imagination and you always think the Department of Indian
Affairs or Social Services are following you. You have influence over
welfare administrators and friends think you're a weasel. You lack
perseverance and are generally a chicken. Pisces people like to beat the
ugly cats and sniff their nose a lot.
ARIES Mar 21- Apr 19:
You are an old stiff and this is reflected in everything you do. You
are always whining over nothing and think everyone is out to rob you of
something. You should take 11 sweats, one after another.
TAURUS Apr 20- May 20:
You like to work like hell and you are a genuine Jack of all trades.
Most people think you are just getting in their way. you are stubborn
and persistent. You are stubborn and persistent. You should get on
GEMINI May 20- June 21:
You are very intelligent on your feet but lose all credibility when
sitting down. People like you because you know how to cash in food
vouchers. This means your're a con artist. Geminis are notorious for
CANCER June 22- July 22:
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.
Friends think you are a sponge and you are always misplacing your
sweetgrass. That is why you will always drive a 'rez bomb' and have a
LEO July 23-Aug 22:
You consider yourself a warrior, others think you're a macho
egotistical creature of habit. Most Leos like to pick on little people.
You have no ambition and will forever live in your mind. Leo people are
scared to go to the sun dance and prefer to make love to their mirrors.
VIRGO Aug 23- Sep 22:
You like to have things in perfect order and will pick nits all day.
Your sex life has become well known, due to you meticulous nature.
Friends think you're an example of institutionalization and would make a
model inmate at the local prison.
LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 23:
You have extreme difficulty with reality. This disorder began at the
Rez school and will cause further serious mental shortcomings. Chances
for employment are nil and you'll have to do bead work for the rest of
your life. All Libra's light their sweetgrass from the wrong end.
SCORPIO Oct 24- Nov 21:
You are a shrewd and conniving Aboriginal. Your land claim cannot be
settled because you also want them to throw in Africa and China. Your
work ethics defy logic but this stems from the fact that you know
everything. Most Scorpios develop Jean Chretien-type mouths.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22- Dec 21:
You are extemely optimistic and have the tendency to rely on Indian
Medicine. The majority of Sagittarians carry little bundles of leather
and will do weird things suddenly. You should take 365 vision quests, 67
sweat ceremonies, 39 Sun Dances and a Valium.
UPPER MANAGEMENT TRAINING
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says
to the waiter, "Me want coffee." He gets the Indian
a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks in down in
one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it
into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in
the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa,
Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was that all about anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for
upper management position: Come in, drink coffee,
shoot the shit, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
The story of Onestone the Indian Brave.
This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot
and said, "Good morning Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest there he
shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the
next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after many years away.
Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day,
shagged her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
>(You'll love this!!!!)
>You can't kill two birds with one stone
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in
the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner.
He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a
wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said
the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try
So the bloke goes over thinking "He won't know about English football."
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Leeds" was the reply. "And the score?"
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John" was the old man's reply.
The Englishman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find
the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.
Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his
He approached him with the greeting "How"
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box"
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs
of American Indians. While touring a reservation during
the documentary she was puzzled as to why there was a
difference in the number of feathers in the Indians'
headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather
in his headdress. He explained, "Only have one woman.
One woman, one feather".
Feeling the first redskin was only joking she posed the
same question to another brave who had two feathers in his
headdress and he replied, "Me have two women; two
women ... two feathers".
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number
of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the
Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers.
Based upon the previous two explanations Ms. Walters was
quite intrigued to hear what the Chief had to say. She
asked, "Why do you have so many feathers in your
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me
Chief. Me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me
sleep with em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters exclaimed, "You ought to be
The Chief replied, "You damn right, me hung big
like buffalo, long like snake."
Taken aback by this outburst Ms. Walters cried,
"You don't have to be so hostile."
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style,
wolf-style, any style...me sleep with em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh
The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then,
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
While out riding on his horse one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding
on his horse, with a dog and a sheep running along side of him, and
began a conversation with the native.
"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
The Indian... "Dog no talk.
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how you doin'?"
Dog: "Doin' all right, thanks."
Indian: Look of shock and disbelief.
Cowboy: "Is this man your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
>Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. Walks me twice a day, feeds me good food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Cowboy: "Okay if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Indian: Extreme look of shock and total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", again pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yep, sure is"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, and thank you for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down everyday, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
And the sheep...
Cowboy: "Okay with you if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "No. Sheep big liar."
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US
government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver.
Women did the work.
Medicine man free.
Indian men hunted and fished all the time..."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
In the days of the Wild West,
there was a young cowboy who wanted more
than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced
every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate
and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon
one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who
had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The
young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,
told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could
some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said,
for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little
lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was
up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player "That's
terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the
old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better
gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will,"
old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,drew
his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!"
the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?"
man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can
of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.The young man went over
to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No,"
said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano,
going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much..."
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman
walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the
Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a
bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said,
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me"; he said to the boy. "It
is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves”.
One is evil - this one is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
The other is good - this one is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
“This same fight is going on inside you and every other person,
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
SOVEREIGN INDIAN: This is the Chicken's inherent
right as he is indigenous
to this land!!!
MILITANT INDIAN: That chicken should block the
road, not cross the road!!!
GRASSROOT INDIAN: If the darn chickens need to get
across the road, let 'em
cross the darn road!
COLONIZED INDIAN: Chiggens should never cross the
roads that white men built
before the great white father crosses it first. If the white
it, it is good. We must then follow.
AMERICANIZED INDIAN: We must have roads. We must
cross the roads that the
white man built for us. We have to be thankful to the white man
for this. I
don't know why you Indians are always complaining. You embarrass
are good for us.
REPUBLICAN INDIAN: It's true that that white man
built those roads for us.We are merely chickens. We will always be
chickens until we learn to build
those roads ourselves -- for profit.
DEMOCRATIC INDIAN: The chicken crossed the road
because it didn't have
TRADITIONAL INDIAN: Those chiggens weren't
traditional because they were
supposed to be on it - not crossing it!
INDIAN GRANDPA: I think it was runnin' away from
URBAN INDIAN: That chicken crossed the road 'cause it was a city,
know what I mean?
NEW AGE INDIAN: It was basically because of
Jungian dream therapy, drumming, sweatlodges, my shaman, and long
walks on the beach, near my beach house.
POW WOW INDIAN: That chicken must have been
heading to a 49! Hey yah ho!
EDUCATED INDIAN: I think it has to do with
Einstein's Theory of Relatives which basically posits: "Did
the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?"
REZ INDIAN: What road?
IHS INDIAN: I really don't care why it crossed
that road. We still aren't
paying for no stinkin' hospital bills.
BIA INDIAN: It crossed it because CFR 49, Section
11299, article 5C, line 12
grants it the authority to do so. It wrote a grant and we funded
are very proud of that chicken!
KFC INDIAN: I'll take a leg, a thigh, with corn
and potatoes. Extra Crispy,
TRIBAL INDIAN COUNCIL: The chicken crossed the
road before we did? Fire his
CASINO INDIAN: That's my favorite slot!
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his
ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the
other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He
can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about
two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man,
woman, child, furniture in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows
how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who
is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Yep, the asshole ran over me about
a half hour ago."
Still Tryin to get the Hell Out
This story was told to me by an uncle who
was a devout Catholic and actually went to visit the Pope in Rome.
While he was in Rome he told the Pope this story.
When the Pope was still travelling around to
do public presentations and almost anybody could go to hear him
speak, and they still put up posters to herald his coming.
There was an old Indian man who seen these
posters spread far and wide. So he figured he would go to hear
this famous man speak and maybe learn what he had to teach.
A couple of days before the time came for
the presentation, the old Indian packed up his teepee and gear and
walked to the site. When he got there he set up his camp in the
far corner of the site where he could oversee all that happened
and hear all that was said. The time for the Pope’s presentation
drew near and people started to file in, of course everybody
looked up to where the old Indian was camped as he sat
cross-legged watching the day unravel.
When the Pope came out to his podium and
raised his arms to the lord, he couldn’t help but look up to
where the old Indian was seated, somewhat surprised to see not
only the old Indian but his teepee as well.
The Pope finished his talk and walked down
from the stage and up the isle, quickly touching people’s hands
as he passed them by. When he arrived at the old Indians teepee,
he stood and talked for a bit than made a very large sign of the
cross and walked back to the stage and disappeared.
One of the old Indians friends came up to
him and said “ Boy you sure must feel special, to have the Pope
come up to you and bless you like that”.
The Old Indian responded, “ What do you
mean blessed, he never blessed me”.
The friend said “Sure he did, he stood in
front of you and did this (Making a very large sign of the Cross)
I seen him”.
The Old Indian replied, “Sure that’s
what he did but it wasn’t any kind of blessing. When he did this
(raising his arm and making the large up and down motion), the
Pope asked me, Is this your teepee?” I nodded yes. (than the
Pope swept his arm from left to right making the final motion of
the sign of the cross he said) “Well get it the hell out of here”.
Then the Pope turned and left.
Q: what's the difference between a white ghost and
A: the white ghost says "Boo!"
the indian ghost says "Boo! aaaaaye!"
A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped
at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end
of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing
smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into
the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him
and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your
A native brother rides into town on a hot
blistering day riding his horse with his dog
following. He ties his horse and his dog under the shade of a
tree. The native brother goes into the bar for a
cold beer. About twenty minutes later, a
policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the
tree. The native brother tells him thats its his
dog. The policeman says,"Your dog is in
heat." The native brother answers, "No way the dog's in
heat; he's cool, cause he's tied under the shade of
the tree." The policeman says,
"No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."
The native brother shakes his head and says,
"No way dog needs bread; he's not hungry cause
I gave him fish this morning." The
policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to
have sex!" The native brother looks at
him and says, "Go ahead, I always wanted a policedog!"
One late evening a native brother came out
of the local pub a little drunk.
He got into his pickup truck and started driving back
to the reserve on a lonely road.
All of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine
The native jumps out his truck, madder then hell, kicks
the door a couple of times and starts walking home.
About twenty minutes later a pickup truck with a load
of fellow natives in it,stopped. One of the fellas called
out, "Whats the matter brother?" The native
calls back, "Piston-broke!"
The same fella calls back, 'Ya! we're piss'nd and broke
too, get in the truck."
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for
toilet paper. The clerk
asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or
White Cloud. 'White Cloud sounds
like good Indian toilet paper,' says the
Indian. 'How much is it?' '$1.00 a
roll,' the clerk replies. 'That seems pretty
expensive,' responds the
Indian. 'What about the others?' 'Charmin is
$2.00 a roll and no name is 50
cents a roll.' The Indian doesn't have much
money so he opts for the no
name. Within a few hours he is back at the
trading post. 'I have a name for
the no name toilet paper,' he announces to the
clerk. 'We shall call it John
Wayne.' 'Why?' asks the confused clerk. 'Cause
it's rough and it's tough and
it don't take no shit off an Indian.'
An Oji Cree
was speeding down the highway one day, when he
suddenly noticed a Police cruiser behind him,
lights flashing and siren wailing. "Oh
Shoot" he muttered to himself, " what
should I do"? He decided to try and get away
and floored the gas pedal. At speeds up to 160KM
per hour, the cruiser stayed right behind him.
Realizing his old car couldn't out run the
cruiser, he decided he'd better pull over. The
Officer came up to his window and said to him
"If you can give me a good reason why you
were trying to get away, I'll consider letting you
go". So, the Oji Cree explained "One of
your fellow officers took off with my wife and I
thought you were bringing her back". The
Officer told him "Have a good day".....
THE THREE SOLDIERS
There was a white soldier, a black soldier, and
an Indian soldier, all three died in a war, and
were sent to hell. All three met the devil, and
asked how much they would pay to be sent back to
earth. The white soldier offered a million
dollars, the devil then agreed, and the white
soldier was sent back to earth, the black soldier
offered 1.5 million, the devil agreed, and the
black soldier was also sent back to earth. The
white soldier asked the black soldier
"where's the Indian"? The black soldier
replied, "the last time I seen the indian, he
was still tryin to convince the devil that Indian
affairs would pay his way".
Submitted by : J.T.
A politician was speaking to a group on a western
Indian Reservation. He was delighted that many of
the group would enthusiastically yell,
"HOYA" numerous times during his speech.
The next day he was touring the reservation and
during the tour was shown through a dairy. There
were numerous patties around the area. His guide
said, "Be careful not to step in the hoya."
Submitted by L. Daniel
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the
desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some
hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
friend "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me
what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of
"What does that tell you?" asked The
Tonto ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me
that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically,
it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
it tell you, Kemosabe?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then
speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has
stolen our tent."
Navajo guy gets home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from the hogan. He rushes in
to find his wife naked on the fold up bed,
sweating and panting. "What's go'n
on?" he says.
having a sumtin funny in my heart," cries the
rushes outside to grab his cell phone in his
pickup, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old
son comes up and says, "Shizhe'e! Shizhe'e'!
Uncle Jimmy's hiding in under the sheepskin and he
don't got no clothes on!"
guy slams the phone down and storms into the hogan,
pass his screaming wife, and rips off the sheep
skin. Sure enough, there is his brother,
totally naked, cowering under the skin.
a rotten brother," says the husband, "Shaa
yah deh! My wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around naked scaring the
for the People
men gather on the top of 30-story building, an
East Indian, a Japanese, an American Indian, and
a White Man.
East Indian guy says, "This is for my
people!" and he jumps off. The
Japanese says, "This is for my
people!" and jumps off.
The American Indian says,
"This is for my people"
and pushes the White Man off.
Tourist on the Rez
blonde woman from New York City was driving
through the rez sightseeing when her car broke
down on a deserted dusty road. The only things
around her where the sage brushes and an
occasional lizard running pass. She was
feeling helpless and in tears.
off in the distance she saw an Indian on
horseback coming along. When he came up to
her, she noticed he was wearing just a lion
cloth. He offered her a ride to a
nearby garage. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
horse would start off into a gallop and
the woman would grasp on tighter. Then all of a
sudden the man would yell out, "Wooooowhoooo!!!!!"
The whoop was so loud that it would echo into
the surrounding hills.
happened over and over again, the horse would
run off into a gallop and the woman would
tighten her grip and the indian man would holler
they arrived in town, he let her off at
the local service station, yelled one final,
"Yahoo!" and rode off into the sunset.
did you do to get that Indian so excited?"
asked the service station attendant.
shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind
him on the horse, put my arms around his waist,
and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall
the attendant said, "Indians ride
doesn't look so good!
was this ole Indian that owned a nice looking
Sorrel Gelding that he kept in his pasture next
to the highway.
day a white man was driving by and noticed this
prize horse. He pulled into the driveway at this
ole Indian's placw and said "Who owns that
beautiful horse grazing along the side the
ole Indian said, "Me."
give you $500 right now for him!" said the
he is not for sale... He don't look so
good," stated the Skin.
do you mean he don't look so good, he looks fine
Tell you what, I'll give you
$750 for him right now, Indian!"
said the ole fella, "He don't look so
then, take it or leave it, old timer!" the
white man huffed.
but I tell you, he don't look so good!"
replied the ole man as he made the deal.
few days past when all of a sudden that white
guy came to the ole man's house once again. He
got out of the truck, his head was all bandaged
up, grabbed his crutches and hopped up to the
ole guys porch.
THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU INDIAN, YOU SOLD ME A
BLIND HORSE!" Shouted the white man.
told you he don't look so good!"
Lone Ranger and Tonto
Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat
down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall
cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big
white horse outside?"
Lone Ranger stood up, hitched on his gun belt and
said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone
Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like
to know that your horse is just about dead
Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure
enough Silver was just
about ready to die from heat
exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse
some water and soon Silver was
starting to feel a little better.
Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto,
I want you to run around
Silver for a little while and
see if you can create enough of a breeze to cool
said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off
running circles around Silver. Not
able to do anything else
but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to
finish his beer.
few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the
bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse
Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do,
what's wrong with him this
cowboy looks him in the eye and says,.. "nothin',
but you left your Injun runnin'."
Ten Signs You are a Techno-Indian
You have several CPU's up on blocks in your
Your snag doesn't want to hear that lame old
"my server was down" excuse anymore.
You think a floppy disk slot crammed with sage
will somehow increase your connection speed
You send eeezzzzmail
Your mail address is DancesWithModems@hotmail.com
Before you attend a powwow, you need to check
its website first
Your mouse is coated with frybread grease
You ask chicks for their email address at
You have a beaded zip drive
You now know a hard drive isn't just the road to
Red Shirt Table!
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest
in his paintings on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the
"The good news is that a gentleman
enquired about your work and
asked the value after your death. When I told
him the price, he
bought all 25 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist
"What's the bad news?"
"The man was your doctor..."
eagle lost his mate. He was lonely and needed
company so he
set out to
find one. Well. he became desperate so he was
a dove in the tree. So he swooped her up took her
thought, 'great a night of loving'. No all night
long the dove
"I'm a dove lets make love". By morning
the eagle had enough
so he took
her back to the tree he found her in.
again he was alone. So off he goes again spots a
Swoops down takes her back to his nest. All night
long "I'm a loon
lets swoon" By morning he had enough again so
back he takes her.
Two days go
by. He's desperate so flys around, finally he
spots a duck.
Grabs the duck take her home. Only this time was
turned to the eagle and said" I'm
a drake, you've made a mistake.
two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West
driving through New Mexico they stopped at a
low and behold there were two older Indian women
sitting on the
porch and the four women started up a
conversation, which lead
the one older Indian woman said "Well I'm a
Navajo and she is an
and the one hooker said "No Kidding, Well I'm
a New York Ho
she is a Chicago Ho"
of the Indian humor was even reported in the early
newspapers as in this example from the
Bartlesville Magnet, 31 August 1900:
was a lawyer in the Indian country who had none
too good a reputation for honesty. One of the
aborigines employed him to do a little legal
business. It was done to the client's
satisfaction, the fee duly paid, and a receipt for
it duly demanded.
receipt isn't necessary," the lawyer said.
I want it," replied the red man. There was
some argument, and the attorney finally demanded
his reason. "Since becoming a Christian I
have been very careful in all my dealings, that I
may be ready for the judgment," answered the
brave sententiously, "and when that day comes
I don't want to take time to go to the bad place
to get my receipt from you."
receipt was made out and delivered promptly.
Delawares located in western Oklahoma also had
Reynolds, a member of the Delaware and Caddo
Tribes, was delegated one day by the
Superintendent of the Kiowa Indian Agency, at
Anadarko, Oklahoma, to accompany a group of
easterners on a tour of the Indian Reservation.
After due time they arrived at the banks of the
anybody been lost in crossing this river,"
asked one of the group.
replied Eli, "One Indian drowned here las'
week, but we found him th' nex' day."
is an example from the Delawares on the Six
Nations Reserve in Ontario, Canada in their
version of one of the favorite jokes among many
Indian tribes concerning the White people:
Indians of that era were jolly, jocular people.
They laughed easily, perhaps because they knew so
much of want and suffering. They had known
poverty, hunger and racial discrimination. The
Indian had a real sense of humour, in spite of his
hardships. He took time to talk to anyone he met
on the street. . . A favorite story concerned a
Whiteman who asked an Indian if it was safe to
leave his rifle on the reserve. "Don't
worry," replied the Indian. "There isn't
a Whiteman within six miles."
good jokes come from members of other tribes who
are married to Delawares, as in this example:
Tiger, a professional lightweight champion boxer
and a fullblood Euchee Indian who is married to a
Delaware, tells this story on one of his fellow
day, Micco Behan, an old fullblood, walked into a
restaurant in Sapulpa, Oklahoma, and asked for a
full course dinner. In due time, the waitress
brought in the first course which consisted of
thet?' inquired old Micco.
bean soup,' replied the waitress.
retorted the old man, 'I ain't asking you what
it's been, I want to know what it is now'."
YOUNG MAN'S PRAYER
Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the
woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up
a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and
then he listened very closely until he heard an
answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
" He tore off his clothes and ran into
Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian
what that was all about. Was the other Indian
crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian.
is our custom during mating season. When Indian
men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an
answer back, it means there is a girl in there
waiting to mate. "
then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to
the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered,
" Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately,
there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.
Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a
while, and then he came upon a great big
he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at
the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the
Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave! " He stood in front of
the opening and hollered with all his might "
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and
closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard
the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!
a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he
raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he
ran. The following day, the headline of the
read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY
FREIGHT TRAIN ".
Winter is coming
The Indians asked
their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to
be cold or not.
knowing an answer, the chief replies that the
winter was going to be cold and that the members
of the village were to collect wood to be
prepared. being a good and wise leader, he then
went to the next phone booth and called the
National Weather Service and asked,
winter to be cold?" The man on the phone
responded, "This winter was going to be quite
So the Chief
went back to speed up his people to collect even
more wood to be prepared.
A week later
he called the National Weather Service again,
"Is it going to be a very cold
winter?" "Yes," the man replied,
"it's going to be a very cold
So the Chief
goes back to his people and orders them to go and
find every scrap of wood they can find.
later he calls the National Weather Service
again "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the
Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on
from generation to generation, says that when you
discover that you are riding a dead horse, the
best strategy is to dismount.
modern corporate America and government, however,
a whole range of far more advanced strategies are
often employed, such as:
01. Buying a
03. Threatening the
horse with termination.
04. Appointing a
committee to study the horse.
05. Arranging to
visit other countries to see how others ride dead
06. Lowering the
standards so that dead horses can be included.
the dead horse as "living impaired."
08. Hiring outside
contractors to ride the dead horse.
several dead horses together to increase the
additional funding and/or training to increase the
dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a
productivity study to see if lighter riders would
improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that
as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is
less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore
contributes substantially more to the bottom line
of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Re-writing the
expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the
dead horse to a supervisory position.
TOP TEN WAYS CHRISTMAS
WOULD DIFFER IF SANTA WERE INDIAN
10.At bedtime, kids would leave bannock for
9.He would be wearing a red turtle neck to
hide his hickeys.
new moccasins would be made out of
7. Santa would have long braids
6.a five pound block of cheese under every
5.The elves would never show up for work on
Fridays, sometimes not on Monday either .
4.The sleigh would need a jump every other
3.His outfit would consist of a red ribbon
shirt, leggings, red roach and beaded gift bag.2.Navajos would be hired to fit into those
tiny elf outfits.
1.Our gifts would probably arrive in
you have any more Jokes for our jokes Page? submit